Saturday, February 27th, 2010

[personal profile] viesti 4:05p - the long winter
The long winter is finally abating. I'm slowly coming out of my hibernation and thawing the ice which buried my drive and energy.

My crash at the tailend of last year was spectacular in its speed and completeness. Getting out of it has been slow; but the antidepressants are helping a lot. So is the gradually warming weather and increased amount of sunlight that's reaching me.

I still don't have anything in the way of long-term goals for my life. I have a few goals for this year, and one intermediate goal: I'd like to move into a nicer place with the people I care about. But beyond that, I have nothing to shoot for, nothing to really put effort and planning towards. [ profile] paradox_puree would like to do multi-pitch, big wall climbing a couple years down the line once she has better strength, stamina, and skills. I enjoy indoor rock climbing in the gym; the last time I went outdoor rock climbing was disastrous for me, and I'd never given any thought to improving my climbing towards a specific goal such as that.

Part of it seems to be that I don't do a very good job listening to myself. I don't really know what drives me or what I really want out of life. Half the time, I don't really know how I feel. When I get afraid of something (such as what happened when I went climbing), I don't really know what the source of that fear is. I get jealous without really having thought through the situation in the first place. I work towards immediate goals for the sake of keeping myself occupied, without thinking about the bigger pictures.

Before I can know what drives me or what goals I want to seriously pursue, I need to learn to balance myself, find my emotional center, and just listen to what's going through my head. This needs to be the goal I work on first.

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