Monday, April 23rd, 2012

11:12p
At some point, I'd lost the patience and attention span for blogging my life, thoughts, and feelings.

At some point subsequent to that, I'd realized that I'd lost that.

My blogs go back. Waaay back. Back to times and places, joys and trials I so rarely think about. Given that my emotions (and to some extent, self-identity) is rather fluid, this becomes a valuable tool from time to time for allowing me to reconnect more vividly with my past.

Which is why it sucks that I haven't blogged my life for nearly the past year and a half. Well sure, there's Facebook. Good luck getting Timeline to actually cooperate with you though. Or Twitter. Perfect for the cute and funny, and for capturing specifics of what I did and when, not so much for the finer points of parsing out my feelings after the fact.

So here I am. And here I will be.

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Tuesday, September 21st, 2010

2:18p- Burning subconscious
I'd had another dream where I was at Burning Man again. It didn't feel right though... it was MUCH MUCH MUCH too small. As in, less than a thousand people. But it didn't feel like the small, artsy Burning Man of the early '90's - it felt more like a bunch of people who were mostly there to reminisce and let someone else bring the art and the spontaneity (no one did).

And now I'm curious what it is my subconscious is trying to tell me. It's a major improvement over all those "back in high school" dreams I'd had a decade ago, but I still feel like there's something I'm supposed to do. Something I'm not doing...

current mood:: [mood icon] contemplative
location: Nexus, Santa Clara

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Sunday, August 29th, 2010

11:48a- the future, Conan?
Always changing, the future is. Always in motion. It is time for me to rejoin the future.

Y'all know the drill by now: catch ya on the flipside. ;)

location: en route to Burning Man
current mood:: [mood icon] excited

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Tuesday, June 15th, 2010

8:45p
Two days until we head off to Zion.

I'm excited... but to say I'm a little afraid would be an understatement.

current mood:: [mood icon] nervous
location: Nexus, Santa Clara

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Saturday, February 27th, 2010

4:05p- the long winter
The long winter is finally abating. I'm slowly coming out of my hibernation and thawing the ice which buried my drive and energy.

My crash at the tailend of last year was spectacular in its speed and completeness. Getting out of it has been slow; but the antidepressants are helping a lot. So is the gradually warming weather and increased amount of sunlight that's reaching me.

I still don't have anything in the way of long-term goals for my life. I have a few goals for this year, and one intermediate goal: I'd like to move into a nicer place with the people I care about. But beyond that, I have nothing to shoot for, nothing to really put effort and planning towards. [livejournal.com profile] paradox_puree would like to do multi-pitch, big wall climbing a couple years down the line once she has better strength, stamina, and skills. I enjoy indoor rock climbing in the gym; the last time I went outdoor rock climbing was disastrous for me, and I'd never given any thought to improving my climbing towards a specific goal such as that.

Part of it seems to be that I don't do a very good job listening to myself. I don't really know what drives me or what I really want out of life. Half the time, I don't really know how I feel. When I get afraid of something (such as what happened when I went climbing), I don't really know what the source of that fear is. I get jealous without really having thought through the situation in the first place. I work towards immediate goals for the sake of keeping myself occupied, without thinking about the bigger pictures.

Before I can know what drives me or what goals I want to seriously pursue, I need to learn to balance myself, find my emotional center, and just listen to what's going through my head. This needs to be the goal I work on first.

current mood:: [mood icon] awake
location: Nexus, Santa Clara

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Wednesday, December 30th, 2009

7:51p- everyone's paradoxed for Chromie
I finally got a much-needed laptop upgrade about a week ago. On a lark I named it Chromie. Of course, I should have known that would be a recipe for strange things happening.

Sure enough. The HD crashed rather abruptly a few nights ago. Since I'd just transferred over from my old laptop, I lost little more than some downloaded music and a few WoW addons, and a few days without Chromie while Apple got a replacement drive.

So Chromie had to have her disk operated on, but she's much happier now. ^_^

current mood:: [mood icon] amused
location: Temple of Chaos, Sunnyvale

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Thursday, November 12th, 2009

9:09p- it seemed appropriate.
Fear me you lord and lady preachers
I descend upon your earth from the skies
I command your very souls you unbelievers
Bring before me what is mine
The seven seas of Rhye

Can you hear me you peers and privy councillors
I stand before you naked to the eyes
I will destroy any man who dares abuse my trust
I swear that you'll be mine
At the seven seas of Rhye

Sister I live and lie for you
Mister do and I'll die
You are mine I possess you
Belong to you forever

Storm the master marathon I'll fly through
By flash and thunder fire I'll survive
I'll survive I'll survive
Then I'll defy the laws of nature
And come out alive

Begone with you you shod and shady senators
Give out the good leave out the bad evil cries
I challenge the mighty titan and his troubadours
And with a smile
I'll take you to the seven seas of Rhye

current music:: Queen - Seven Seas of Rhye
current mood:: [mood icon] wrathful
location: Nexus, Santa Clara

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Tuesday, September 29th, 2009

12:53p- and back (again)
Another month in a blur.

My energy seems to be largely back in the right place. I definitely wasn't in any condition physically or emotionally to head off for a weeklong visit with my family only a few days after returning from Burning Man, even if it had been over a year since I'd seen them. But it had done a number on my mental state.

So... Take Two. Earthdance was only a week after returning from Oregon. Pretty expensive compared to the other festivals I'd been at, I probably wouldn't have gone at all if I hadn't already purchased my ticket months before. I'm very much glad I went though, for I was able to regain a lot of the energy and spirit I'd felt at Burning Man which got messed up in the ensuing weeks. It was a great festival with awesome music, but there were also a large number of assholes there as well. Some guy (we're not sure if he was on coke or meth at the time or just drunk) actually heckled the campfire gathering. There was lots more litter on the ground (mostly beer cans and bottles) than I recall from last year. It was as if there were two separate festivals going on at the same time: one for the people actually wanting peace and wanting to make things better for the next generation and wanting to grow closer as a people. And one for people just looking for yet another rave or party who didn't care what kind of footprint or trash they left behind.

I'm back now. Rather thankfully, since I'm more than a bit weary. I can trace the path I've been on back to last year's Burning Man and Earthdance. Much has happened in the past year, and I'd like to think I've grown a lot and learned a few things. I've seen the creative and ecstatic spirit of humanity and reveled in it. And yes, I've partied the night (or weekend) away like crazy. I've spent more time away from home than I have living in it. I'm starting to feel the toll it can take: there came a point at Burning Man, Friday I think, where I actually wished I were at home in bed rather than being sandblasted by yet another duststorm. And this past weekend at Earthdance was hotter during the day and colder at night than even Burning Man, such that we packed up and left early Sunday as the heat was more than we were ready to handle.

I think I might take it easier for a while.

location: Nexus, Santa Clara
current mood:: [mood icon] sore

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Monday, September 7th, 2009

8:01p- Burning Man
Burning Man was FILLED WITH AWESOME AND WIN this year. I was joined by several first-time burners including my beloved [livejournal.com profile] paradox_puree, so it was almost a re-virginized experience for myself too. I ran into so many people who recognized me from the Bay Area, from [livejournal.com profile] aestetix to someone who climbs at Planet Granite, and someone who had participated in one of the protests I went to last year!

Paradox and I were wandering the playa one night when we came across a set of glowing eggs, small and easy to miss except from up close. At the same time we found it, a group of young shamen wandered up and performed a beatiful ritual right then and there, welcoming us to witness this as it was a special moment in their spiritual journeys. I don't believe this was any mere accident or coincidence; as a faerie who's been wandering a magickal and psychedelic path for some time, I was only too happy to offer my own blessings and energy as they embarked on a night of memorable bliss. At that moment I realized that I'd strayed a bit from my own purpose for I had been looking down on humanity and trying to distance myself from them, and made a decision to try working more participatory energy and magic for a while instead.

Opulent Temple (one of the main music camps at Burning Man) had an unbelievable lineup including Armin van Buuren AND Infected Mushroom in person the same night! As much as I enjoy their music normally, experiencing it in a desert in the middle of nowhere with an amazing sound system, surrounded by thousands of Burners including several close friends and lovers, and rolling at the same time was incredible.

I had my gripes, too; there are more and more tourists and fratboys and dicks each year, the kind who come and consume without participating and throw their litter everywhere without regard to the environment. It was also gruelingly windy this year, with several white-outs and sandstorms lasting well into the night. I actually had a bit of a breakdown Friday night from the stinging sand and wind chill. I love Burning Man, and in describing my experiences over the past few years I've glossed over the rough and tough and ugly parts of it. It's a week in the desert where sand gets in my clothes and my tent and my cooch. There's bound to be drama too.

But I love Burning Man. It's a place where people give so freely of themselves. Where I can give back in return. Where people build and create participatory, interactive art. Much of my inspiration over the past few years has come from the art, people, and places that make up Burning Man.

current mood:: [mood icon] ecstatic
location: Nexus, Santa Clara

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Wednesday, August 19th, 2009

5:56p
It's been about a month since I last posted in here. And as far as months go, it's been very eventful for me. I haven't updated in here not because I haven't had time, but because I'm still figuring things out.

I'll be updating again sometime over the next week with the details (or at least what I've figured out so far). Mostly for my own benefit, since Burning Man is a week and a half from now and I want to put words to paper at some point before I go off and shuffle everything up again. Until then, this is a friendly Public Service announcement to let everyone know I am, in fact, still alive.

current music:: GLaDOS - Still Alive
location: Nexus, Santa Clara
current mood:: [mood icon] contemplative

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Thursday, July 9th, 2009

4:52p- seeds
I swore to thrive, and thrive I shall!

I finally went and got like half of my hair chopped off yesterday. I'd been thinking about this for some time, but really made up my mind when I was up at Gemini last month. Took me long enough to finally make an appointment, but it looks and feels GREAT! Pictures will be forthcoming once I've re-dyed my hair, which will probably be early next week at this point, although it's saying something that it looks as good as it does with the fade from the previous dyeing and three months' worth of roots showing.

I've done a little work around the place to make it feel more like home. I'm finally starting to make a little headway with that three-year pile of accumulus in my bedroom, so it's at least a little more navigable at this point. There's still much more work to be done, a lot of it is going to involve donating, giving away, and throwing out of stuff.

Speaking of which: is anyone interested in classic Magic: the Gathering cards dating back to Revised/Ice Age/Mirage?

I've also been working on starting a garden downstairs. It had been in total disrepair, overrun with weeds and brush and littered with stones and cigarette butts, but I'm slowly breathing it back to life. The dirt is actually rich with nutrients, it just required a little love and water and effort.

I haven't written about rock climbing much lately, but I'm really starting to test the limits of my strength and endurance. Up until recently I'd been sticking to vertical walls and shying away from the ones that slope backwards, but no more! At this point I'm starting to climb vertical 5.10c walls, and can do several 5.10a and 5.10b sloped walls which require a lot more balance and strength.

And then there's Belden. It's a small riverside town about four hours north of here, which is where Gemini Festival was last month. I'll be there this weekend again; considering how much of a turning point Gemini was for me, and how much I've dealt with (and started to resolve) since then it'll be interesting to see where things go for me.

location: Nexus, Santa Clara
current mood:: [mood icon] accomplished

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Wednesday, May 27th, 2009

12:47a
Sometimes I wish there were more than 24 hours in a day. For one, I have a lot of things to talk about and stories to share lately but can never seem to make enough time to update my LJ.

location: Nexus, Santa Clara
current mood:: [mood icon] busy

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Friday, May 8th, 2009

12:40a
What does it say about me, that I spent time this evening making this journal aesthetically pleasing that I could have instead spent writing about what's been going on in my mind and in my life?

current mood:: [mood icon] pensive

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Monday, May 4th, 2009

8:58p- [livejournal.com profile] viesti teaches you how to play faerie!
1. [info]viesti = [livejournal.com profile] viesti. Or more specifically, because I'm a narcissistic, Kobayashi Maru-hacking, large ham (swine flu-negative):

[info]viesti = [livejournal.com profile] viesti = viesti.

2. I seem to have an uncanny ability to fall asleep just about anytime and anywhere that's not aboard an airplane as long as I actually need the sleep. I've fallen asleep out in the middle of the desert in the cold of night next to a bonfire. I've slept whilst on a trip through fractal dimensions of timespace. I've slept in a brightly-lit room with lots of conversation going on and very loud music playing. Given the number of absurd conditions through which I can sleep, the fact that I can't sleep for more than 30 minutes sitting in an airplane seat without waking up to a shooting pain in my neck has become something of a running gag.

3. I'm going to see the Bone Poets Orchestra debut show this weekend! It's up in Redmond, so that means crazy faerie roadtrip time. XD

current mood:: [mood icon] amused
location: Nexus, Santa Clara

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8:32p
Thank you [personal profile] pantswarrior for the invite code!

As I was searching through my friends on LJ to see who has set up Dreamwidth journals a curious thought occurred to me: now that I have this space, to what end shall I use it? I don't think I've quite figured this part out just yet. The capability for crossposting exists, but do I really want this to simply be a simulcast? And if not, then what...

...any thoughts?

current mood:: [mood icon] accomplished

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Sunday, April 26th, 2009

2:47p
I've been giving some thought lately about the nature of two of the more common social contracts we negotiate in our lives: work, and money. I've got a few ideas that I've been fermenting, but in the meantime I'd like to put a few questions to you, friends and gentle readers, since times have been shit economically for most of us...

[Poll #1390388]

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Tuesday, April 21st, 2009

7:49p- so mote it be
I am one who creates. And the canvas I work with knows no boundaries!

This is not the first step. Not by far. Nor shall it be the last step. But just one amongst many.

(that, and "an·dre·a un·der·score lamb·da" is a rather cumbersome and forgettable way to introduce myself at social gatherings)

current mood:: [mood icon] creative
location: Nexus, Santa Clara

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Wednesday, April 1st, 2009

10:42p- MULLIGAN!
I took a good, long look at the aftermath of the past few weeks. Somewhere on the order of 2000 emails sitting in my work inbox. Everyone dear to me took some sort of big hit, emotionally, physically, or mentally. And I'm still rebuilding.

....nah, fuck that. MULLIGAN!

That's right. I just called MULLIGAN on reality. Because I didn't feel like spending the next couple months playing catch-up and carrying around psychic baggage. And before I know it I'm feeling so much better, I've got my glamour back and a spring in my step. And then I went and climbed my first 5.10b wall tonight.

I win I win OH YEAH I FUCKING WIN. XD

location: Nexus, Santa Clara
current mood:: [mood icon] WIN

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Monday, March 9th, 2009

4:52p
This weekend has been truly magnificent. Days filled by the majestic beauty of gushing creeks and faerie circles and the endlessly rolling valleys, the sounds of children young and old at play, infused by the sun's golden honey. Nights of moonlight and neon and bass.

There is the family we are born with, and the family we find along the way. And I have chosen to share my life and my adventures with my family most dear.

So many stories to tell! I promise they are forthcoming. But I am still an adventurous busy bee and it may take time for me to make time. ;)

current mood:: [mood icon] bouncy

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Monday, March 2nd, 2009

11:33p- That One Wall
I've been doing indoor rock climbing for nearly three months now. The first month or so was mostly working myself up to speed, figuring the basic techniques and just learning to trust my body so high up on the wall.

I had been climbing up 5.8's with some success for about a week or so when I made my first attempt on That One Wall. If you've been to Planet Granite Sunnyvale within the past few months chances are you've seen this wall; it's rather innocuously marked as a "5.8" in difficulty, which I soon learned was a sore understatement. It starts off as a normal enough vertical climb with easy handholds, but then arches upwards into a pair of underhang handholds and then up to an overhang requiring one to reach up with one hand, and then *slip* I fell for the first of many, many times.

I would spend the next two months working on That One Wall... )

current mood:: [mood icon] accomplished

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